tears

I've come to realize I've been the biggest bitch ever lately. Why? I have no idea..maybe because nothings going my way and I'm stressed out.

I'm behind on school work. I have two biology labs to make up. I have a lot of studying to do for biology because I'm super worried about the final comprehensive exam. I have possibly 4 lab reports to write for organic chemistry. I have a whole computer course to catch up on. Western Civilization seems to be the only class I'm not behind in. By the way..the term ends on Nov 15. Happy birthday Joella!

WARNING: THE NEXT SENTENCE IS TMI. I was freaking out for quite a while because after having sex for the first time in a year and a half, my period never came. Finally did come, thank God. I can NOT have a baby. They are expensive. They take patience. They take time. They take effort. All of these things are currently being put toward school and work.

Speaking of children, my mother never wanted children. She makes sure I know this by telling me quite often. Do you know what it feels like to be told your own mother never wants you? It fucking hurts. It's a stab in the heart every time. I LOVE my mother. I cried when my father died, not because he died, but because my mother was so distraught by his passing. I mourned for her loss, not my own. I love her, and she never wanted me. I once drunk dialed her and told her all this.. I remember the entire conversation. She must not think I remember, because she still, to this day, tells me she never wanted children.

I'm super irritable. Everyone is pissing me off. I have no idea why. A couple of weekends ago I went downtown to the bar with my cousin, her cousin, and her cousin's boyfriend. We were all drinking. I ended up being anti-social. My cousin was trying to get me to socialize with her cousin's boyfriend's friends. For some reason this was really annoying. You know how when people get drunk they get stupid? They were all stupid drunk and I was not. I was becoming increasingly furious. I got up, and went to the bathroom. Then I walked right past their table and left. I called my other cousin and had him and his friends pick me up. I never told my cousin I went out with that I was leaving. Never said a word to her. I was pissed off, and wanted to leave before I did anything to start a fight.

A couple of weeks later, said cousin went to see her cousin. On facebook they said something about my cousin moving to the same city as her cousin lives in. I was kind of pissed that this was brought up on facebook before it was brought up to the roommates. She's abandoning me again. The last time we had a place together, around a month before our lease was up it was decided she was moving away. Now the same thing is happening, but atleast with a little more time before our lease is up. I guess I can't really judge her because I'm moving too. But, it was already known I was moving out because I graduate IHCC in May with my AA/AS. I can't stay in Des Moines and go to school. It's expensive as fuck to go to Drake. So I would have to move to continue my schooling.

I can't lose the weight. I'm eating healthier. I exercise when I can. Not coming off. This fucking sucks. I hate this. HATE IT. I've always been the fat/ugly/stupid one, especially compared to the previously mentioned cousin. My grandmother would always tell me "Oh Kendra, if you would lose a few pounds your clothes would fit so much better," or "you know if you put some make-up on and fixed up your hair real nice you could be pretty. You know, do it like your cousin does" or "Kendra you should apply yourself and study harder. Then you could have good grades like your cousin." Really?? This shit from my own GRANDMOTHER?! You know Grandma, I am my own person. Maybe I don't fix my hair nice because it takes HOURS because I have fucking nigger hair. Maybe I don't wear make-up because foundation makes my face break out, and most mascaras make my eyes itch. Maybe I'm trying to lose the weight and it just won't come off. Maybe I don't study as much as her is because I can't concentrate on things. Do you know how many times I've gotten up and walked around while writing this blog? At least four times. I'm pretty sure I have ADD because I CAN NOT concentrate on ANYTHING.



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To my cousin -- I'm sorry for being such a bitch to you lately. You don't deserve it.

To my mother, and my grandma -- I don't think either of you know how much your comments hurt me.